Toiletnation, USA

Home » Uncategorized » America’s Mandela, OR State Funeral 2035

America’s Mandela, OR State Funeral 2035


October 9th, 2035.

Ninety thousand people are crowded into a football stadium watching the proceedings. It is Barack Obama’s state funeral. The 74-year-old suffered a heart attack and passed away last week. Nobody is really surprised; he was never able to overcome his addiction to cigarettes and they damaged his heart over time.

The former President, after leaving office in 2016, spent his days as most ex-Presidents do. He made the speech circuit, did charity work, shot hoops now and then, traveled abroad. For the most part, he stayed out of the spotlight, choosing to remain active in the Democratic Party far behind the scenes. It could be said that his retreat from the public eye and post-Presidency behavior bordered on being dignified.

Like other Presidents, some will remember him fondly and some will always dislike him, but, overall, the nation’s tone is quietly respectful. Except for the media, of course, which fawns over him as though he were a Golden God of Radiant Light Incarnate, suddenly snuffed by mortality. Conspiracy theories abound. White people killed him, they say. But no matter. People knew to expect all of this and few feel the need to comment on it.

But here in this crowded place, at this historical moment, we have a look around.

The crowd is overwhelmingly brown and black. As the camera pans around, the nonwhite to white ratio is easily 4 to 1. A melange of colors and nationalities sits, stands, slouches, jumps, shouts, dances and sings in the stands, noisily drowning out most of the speeches given by American politicians and celebrities, visiting foreign dignitaries, freed revolutionaries. The camera quickly pans away from what looks to be a furious fistfight in one of the upper sections, riot police quickly approaching the melee from further down the aisle, soda bottles and food pelting them from all directions…

An organizer approaches the podium, apologetically interrupting the moving speech being given by the elderly German Stateswoman Angela Merkel…

“We are all deeply saddened by President Obama’s passing, brothers and sisters,” he says, leaning into the microphone. “But, please. Please let us allow others to hear these speeches…”

The response is immediate. Hooting. Jeering. A roar of laughter. “Fuck dat white bitch!” and “Send dat bitch back ta Russia!”

Merkel continues her speech, most of it unheard over the cackles and chants of “Neequa! Neequa! Neequa!,” a call for a speech from 19-year-old celebrity talk show hostess and hip hop singer Neequa Winfrey, who sits on the dais, draped in pink latex and sparkling diamonds. Neequa was cloned from a slice of Oprah Winfrey’s earlobe in 2016 after she was found dead in her dining room, having choked on a piece of pork chop.

Suddenly, gunshots. In a later investigation, it will be discovered that the “metal detectors” that stood at all the entrances to the stadium were actually old telephone booths with fake wiring attached to them, leased by the majority-black and female Secret Service from a DC-area “security firm” that insisted upon being paid in cash and then disappeared. It would not be the only security issue that day. The ruckus dies down, eventually, as paramedics and security work in the affected areas of the stadium.

As each speaker speaks, the crowd becomes more and more restless.

Eventually, Neequa Winfrey takes the stand and the crowd roars approval. She speaks at length about Barack Obama’s origins and obstacles and strengths and superpowers. She talks about the political opposition he faced. As she winds down, she calls upon the crowd to balance history’s scorecard.

“My brothers and sisters,” she says, raising her voice. “Today we celebrate the greatest human being who ever allowed the earth to hold him up. He overcame so much, and so many. He was held in contempt by White people who ALL wanted to see him fail, whether they knew it or not. My White brothers and sisters out there, will you raise your hand and take responsibility for racism and apologize now to your brothers and sisters of color for all you and yours did to hinder this great man?”

The camera zooms in on a cluster of shining White faces somewhere in the crowd who, at first smiling, begin to realize what is being asked of them. Foolishly, they look around at the brown-faced crowd and begin to protest that they, in fact, were not racists…They shake their heads, looking for understanding and finding none. The crowd around them stands suddenly, menacingly, scowling and shouting and pointing. The White people cower and cringe, realizing that they are about to be dealt social justice.

“Barack Obama was only the beginning,” Neequa shouts over the horrified screams of the Whites being pummeled and kicked and stabbed and beaten. “Who we are now, he told us we could be! He’s the one who answered ‘Yes, we can!’ when we asked if we could! Now let’s go out there and DO it!”

Obama was buried later that week and an eternal flame lit atop his grave. It was later extinguished when it was discovered the gas line supplying it was made of stolen copper tubing.


  1. Cj aka Elderofzyklons Blog says:

    Reblogged this on ElderofZyklon's Blog!.

  2. Thanatos says:

    Lord,spare us from the terrible day that this Prophet’s words should come to pass. Which will be much sooner than 2035,I fear.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: