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Home » Uncategorized » On a Lighter Note: Dating Advice Grounded In 13+ Years Of Watching Idiot College Students (And Faculty) Fail In Love

On a Lighter Note: Dating Advice Grounded In 13+ Years Of Watching Idiot College Students (And Faculty) Fail In Love

So you want to find a mate and start reproducing to help out with the dwindling White birth rate? Good.

Here’s some advice on dating I’ve learned by watching college kids and fellow instructors act like idiots in their love lives since 1999. As a Christmas present, I’ll share it.

Whether you are male or female, do NOT date someone who:

Allows His or Her Weight to Fluctuate Repeatedly—This is a sign of being the kind of person who will neglect problems (or assignments or grading) until they become critical and then, in a panic, focus intently on them (and insist upon your help). This is a person who will cause drama and trouble in your life. This is the person who is constantly talking about being on a diet but has a shopping cart full of tortilla chips and frozen pizza or a desk drawer full of Dove chocolates. Unstable weight=unstable mind. Avoid.

 Drinks to Excess in Public, Comes to Class Hung Over—This is a person who will use intoxication as an excuse for causing trouble, but will resist responsibility for drinking in the first place. Women who get drunk in public will also invariably sleep around. You might consider dating a girl or guy who gets a little flushed and tipsy, but never, ever, ever, date a person stupid enough to drink until he loses control or consciousness. One who gets drunk in PUBLIC will be an absolute terror in private.  Heavy drinker? Avoid.

Has Been Divorced Two Or More Times–It wasn’t an accident and it wasn’t all the other peoples’ faults. Avoid.

 Wears Patchouli (Women)—She will be an idiot with annoying mainstream left political opinions and won’t shut up in class. Avoid.

 Was In the Military For A Long Time, But Was Not an Officer—Will have either a drinking problem or an STD and one or more abusive exes or illegitimate children. Will try to use big words and proper grammar and will fail publicly, looking dumber than they would have if they had just tried to make their point without the two-dollar vocabulary. Will have slept with minorities and/or foreigners. Avoid. 

Has Been in College More Than Four Years, But Is Not In Graduate School Or Within a Year of Graduating—You know, the guy who has changed majors three times? This is an irresponsible, unfocused person and will cost you time, money and happiness. Will “withdraw” suddenly, even when the course is easy. Do NOT sign a lease or co-sign a loan with this person. Avoid. 

Has Political Bumper Stickers Other Than A Candidate’s Name, Especially a “Coexist” Sticker—Will be an insufferable, poorly informed loudmouth who will turn dinner parties and study groups into pointless exercises in brain-dead debate. The more extreme the sticker, the bigger an asshole they will be. Avoid.

 Has An Excessive Number of Pets or a “Service Animal” That Isn’t a Seeing-Eye Dog—Will be a disastrous combination of needy, controlling, overbearing, neglectful and clinging. Will demand more attention than a person over six should ever consider appropriate. And both of your clothes will always have hair on them. Avoid. 

Organizes and/or Attends Protests More Than Once Per Decade–Think about it. Avoid.

Uses the Toilet With the Door Open, Enters While YOU Are Using the Toilet—This is a person who will impose upon you and will shrug off your requests that they respect your space. Will demand that they be in charge. This is a more personal one; you’ll just have to trust me on this one. Avoid.

 Is Over 35, Follows Fashion Trends and/or Dresses Casually for Work Every Day—Will be immature and embarrassingly desperate to be hip. Will have dated people of inappropriate age and brag about it. Will sleep with students and improve their grades accordingly. Will have closed-door meetings with opposite-sex students as often as possible. Avoid. 

Badmouths Religion, But Is a Proud Member of an Alternative Organization—This is the person who will call Christians “slaves” or “sheep,” but will be the president of the “Bay Area Humanists” or MENSA or The Sierra Club or “Local Food Vegans of San Antonio”. Will be as fanatical, boring and difficult as any Evangelical or Jihadi, and will hold you in contempt on general principles. Will not like or get along with any fellow students or faculty. Frustrated misanthrope. Avoid.

So there you go. Avoid these types and find a decent partner! Then marry them and get birthin’!

Merry Christmas!


  1. mindweapon says:

    Reblogged this on Mindweapons in Ragnarok and commented:
    Dating Advice from Professor Toilet Nation. Good stuff!

  2. North Vinlander says:

    Am I supposed to be able to recognize Patchouli? LOL

  3. rogerunited says:

    “Has Been Divorced Two Or More Times”

    I read a quip on the internet, “you are the only common denominator in all your failed relationships.”

  4. George says:

    ” The more extreme the sticker, the bigger an asshole they will be. Avoid.”

    The bumper sticker people also seem prone to road rage.

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