“The story – broken by reporter Adam Beam of The (Columbia, S.C.) State – quickly turned into another embarrassing national black eye for the Palmetto State. Of course Benjamin profited from it handsomely – and three months later he was elected mayor of Columbia, S.C.
“Anyway, a month after the incident we published a follow-up report highlighting how efforts to apprehend the vandal had reached a dead end.
“The story has all but disappeared from the public’s radar,” we wrote. “Additionally, the investigation into the incident has stalled. In fact, one city official told FITS that unless someone with knowledge of the crime came forward, the mystery was unlikely to ever be solved.
“Well this week, several sources with knowledge of the crime did step forward … and pointed the finger of blame at Benjamin. According to these sources, Benjamin’s campaign orchestrated the hit with the full knowledge, permission and support of the candidate.”
So, by now it’s become apparent that hate crime hoaxes are very profitable and a convenient way to get what you want:
A Day Off Class? Get a cone and a sheet.
Fame and Fortune? Find a dumb teenager and a marker.
More Listeners for Your Boring Feminist College Radio Show? Facebook threat!
Get an Ordinance Passed? Ouch! You’ll have to give up some body for this one.
So…if you’re ready to fight fire with fire, here’s how you might go about it:
1. The “Racist Beating”–Get creative! Make sure you leave some marks; split a lip, bloody your nose, swell an eye shut. Now. CAREFULLY carve “Cracka Motherfucker” or “White Bicth” into your chest, using a broken bottle and mirror. Remember! You’ll have to write BACKWARDS to make it believable. You may want to do this part first so that your eyes are clear for the detail work. Call the local paper and Voila’! The narrative has just shifted.
2. Hateful Graffiti--Live in a “diverse” area? Well, that makes the illusion all the more believable! Do it in the wee hours of the morning and remember to misspell parts of your message. You don’t want people suspicious that you did it yourself, do you? Some possible messages:
- “Fuck all white bicthes!”
- “Kill whity!”
- “Fuck u up honky”
- “Creepy ass cracka”
- “Pookie wuz up in this muthafucka. Get out, hokny!”
- “Ve a casa, gringo!”
And so forth. Remember: you want to make the news, so keep it short and mean. Popular media for this art include spray paint on your home’s siding and scratches in your car’s finish.
3. Threatening Letter–Do you work in the public sector or elected government? Well, one of the best ways to garner sympathy/outrage/support is to send yourself a hateful letter. Make sure you dictate it to a five year old (sworn to secrecy) to bolster the illusion. You don’t want perfect grammar and spelling to pop up and tickle an intrepid reporter’s “Honky radar.” Some themes:
- Your unwillingness to hire more blacks
- Your disrespect for a minority community (adjust to your circumstances)
- Your insistence on documenting the immigrants working in your organization
- Your use of the word “normal” or “illegal”
- Your support for law enforcement
- Your refusal to bow your head during a prayer to Allah
- A good, old-fashioned Whitey-hating rant (Try UC Berkely’s Sound Library for some ideas)
Now, use your imagination. Bomb? Throat cut? Beheading? Penis cut off and shoved in your own mouth? The more sensational the better. OR be really menacing by leaving it vague: “Somthing relaly fuckin bad is goin to happen to you’re cracka ass.”
Watch your standing in the polls climb!
4. Fake Kidnapping–Need a vacation? Well, then this approach is for you. It’s simple. Disappear from work, don’t bathe or shave for a week (and cut back on the eating) and be sure to use some of the techniques in item one above for special effect. Stay gone long enough for people to worry and contact the authorities. Then, come limping up to the police department and claim angry minorities threw you in a van and transported you somewhere after a few days of abusing you. Stick to your story, work up some tears and sell it to the cameras! That poor guy!
The only limit to using the dreaded HATE CRIME to our advantage is our imaginations. Now, get to it!