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Grover Norquist: Pathetic, Clingy Ex

Grover Norquist: A Tax Pledge Is Forever


Grover Norquist staring bitterly from the porch as common sense drives away with the CD collection.

Quote: “When you got married did your wife understand there was an expiration date on that promise? When you borrowed money to buy your house did you say, ‘Oh geez. That mortgage? That was 10 years ago. You’re still asking me for money?’ You make a commitment, you make a commitment,” says Norquist.

Grover, honey, give me my keys. It’s over. This isn’t easy for me, either, but times have changed. We’ve changed. Sure, you and your friends helped get me elected and I’ll always appreciate that. And, sure, we had a LOT of good times. The barbecues, the Tea Parties, the Fox and Friends appearances. And I know I made a “pledge” not to entertain the notion of raising taxes, but I took an OATH to the American people and the Constitution, and I’m afraid an OATH is a bigger deal than your two-bit pledge. I mean, I “pledged” allegiance to the Bay City Rollers in 1978 to “be a BCR fan for life.” But, you know, we grow up.

Oh. So now the pouting. And don’t go back upstairs with that, Grover, I need to load it. Grover? Fine. Keep it.

Look, Grover. The national debt is so big and growing so fast one would need to DROP ACID to expand one’s mind enough to even begin to ponder it. The deficit is, well, HUGE. Nobody wants to cut anything. Nobody seems to want to close any bases anywhere or stop building aircraft carriers–of which we already have, like, 15 times as many as the next “competitor” nation…I mean, who are we fighting? Martians?And the wars, Grover. The goddamn wars.

And then the programs. Shit, we’ve got so many “entitlements” that have become expected parts of American life that if we ever cut enough of them or cut them enough to make a difference (which, mathematically, is impossible), there would be rioting and civil unrest. Oh. Right. There’s the face of the angry prick I know and love. You wouldn’t give a fuck, would you, you impotent closet queer?

Grover, I’m sorry. Don’t cry. That wasn’t fair. That wasn’t fair. It happens. I know it does. Don’t cry. Grover…no.

Grover. We are going to have to raise taxes to avoid this country being irreparably financially ruined for all time. Don’t you see? This is like an ATOMIC TIME BOMB ticking in our economy. We’re BORROWING money and spending it with absolutely no plan to repay it and no kind of real credit other than the fact that we are the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. And that just won’t be good enough much longer. We don’t PRODUCE, Grover, mostly because of tax-dodging idiots like you doing business overseas to avoid paying taxes!

We need to close the loopholes, cut the spending AND increase revenue. Billionaires have had a good run. What is it now? Almost 35 years? They’ll be fine.

Oh. So you’re going to “ruin me”? Real mature. I’ll just come running back now, won’t I? Pathetic. Oh. Attack ads? Really? Well, maybe my principles just kicked in, Grover, and I don’t care that much about hanging around in D.C. anymore. How much blow can I snort, anyway? Go ahead. Throw your tantrum and elect some asshole you can agree with. I don’t care. I’m leaving. Here. Take your ring. I signed up to be a REPUBLICAN, not a slave. Goodbye, Grover. And good luck.

Now get off my hood.

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